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Posted on 2012.11.04 at 11:30
I am so disgusted with modern republicanism and christianity. I am so disappointed in this country, lately. It's to the point where I sometimes wonder how I can even be friends with anyone who would support Mitt Romney and the republican party. That may sound extreme, but they are contributing to selfishness, stupidity and inequality. They are a direct threat to my rights, my well being. My daughter's! I don't like who these people force me to become. I feel hateful. But god damn... this stuff is serious! It's not a joke. And if you disagree with Romney and the direction he wants to take this country, but you don't vote, you're just as bad! And to say that you "just don't vote," or you "don't believe in it," is ridiculous. Your not voting is not a philosophy, so don't paint it with that brush of bullshit. Your philosophy is laziness, and if this country goes to shit, it's your fault. If my daughter suffers as a result, I am holding you responsible. I've learned that I am a "serious" person, even though I've never liked to think of myself that way. I know I have been perceived that way, and, of course, as a "bitch." Or "snobby." Obviously, if I was a man, I would not be perceived in such a negative light. But it's just because I give a fuck. I take it seriously. This is the quality of my life, and the life of those I love, at stake. I am an opinionated, passionate woman, and I am not sorry to be any of those three things, even if it makes me abrasive.


Posted on 2012.09.16 at 17:10
You're the devil. It may be later than sooner, but we're going to get you, so you just enjoy this time while you've got it because you are not going to have your way in the long run. What the fuck is going through your stupid, selfish, evil head? Fuck you and your whole family.


Posted on 2012.08.05 at 12:29
I went through this thing where I loved getting/having pets, and I guess I just overwhelmed myself because now I sometimes wish I had NONE. I never thought I would be someone who would consider having none. Well... I'd consider a fish tank. But that's hardly a pet. It's almost more like a hobby/decor. I love staring at fish tanks, and once you get them going, they don't require that much maintenance. I'm not doing it right now, though. Anyway....

This is terrible, but sometimes I wish all of my animals, except for maybe Boone, would vanish. I wish I could rehome them. We don't pay enough attention to them. They don't get long walks regularly. I hardly even pet them. When a cat climbs on my lap, I push it off. It makes me feel crowded, and they have fleas and fleas love me. I cannot deal with the fleas. We use Frontline and dust and spray and bathe them once a week. They wear flea collars, too. And we still have fleas. I feel a sting and see them biting me all of the time. It disgusts me. I am covered in bites constantly.

The dogs sleep in crates. I wish I could do away with them because they take up so much space and look like crap in the living room, but I don't want Hadley in the living room unsupervised. She will lay on the couch and she leaks some sort of fluid, which is disgusting. She also has moments of incontinence. Not often, but more often than Boone. If it weren't for Hadley, I'd let Boone roam the house, and probably pay more attention to him (because he is my favorite), but I don't want to be unfair to Hadley, so I don't.

Then there are the seizures. Mom accidentally gave Hadley the wrong medication for the first few days that we were on vacation, so Hadley had seizures. A lot of them. She is still fucked up from it. It's been 4 days since her last one, and she is still pacing and whining and howling and bumping into things and hardly sleeping or eating. Barking through through the night. She's peed in her crate overnight for the last 3 nights. We will probably call the vet tomorrow. Every time she has an episode, I feel overwhelmed. This is so much stress. I wish I could unload it, and I feel guilty about that, but I am not perfect.

I've always been a cat person, and I love certain things about cats, but I'm starting to think that dogs make better pets. Cats trash everything. They get on the counters and tables and there is cat hair, litter and flea dirt EVERYWHERE. And we only have two cats. I would never have three again. I look at the cat hair all over the kitchen surfaces and on the baby's things, and the litter on the couch, where I lay down, and sometimes think that it's not worth it to have cats. Oakley throws his food everywhere when he eats, too. He's a slob.

Boone is so nice smelling (for a dog) and clean and smart and sweet and healthy... I wish we only had him :-( But I don't know what to do. Can't really rehome Hadley because of her special needs. I could rehome the cats, but I don't know.... I am still kind of attached to Oakley. My parents would have a fit if I rehomed either one of them. They think it's wrong to rehome a cat or dog. My opinion, though, is that if the owner isn't happy, the pet isn't happy. If they aren't getting the attention they deserve....

Ugh. When do you put your happiness over responsibility? The responsible thing is to keep a pet for life, which could be 15 years. But what if I am unhappy with it? I just endure that, because of responsibility? Life is short, and I want to be happy, and if I'm not, then my pets are not, anyway. I want to be selfish. I am tired of having so much responsibility and am desperate to simplify my life, and have a clean feeling house and more relaxation time, which we hardly have any of as of right now.


Posted on 2012.07.21 at 13:03
I really dislike you, and your wife. It's true that I may not have been as outgoing as I should have been in the beginning, but I was a child. A goddamn teenager. You were an adult. Lots of teenagers are like that, and you should have understood that. Give me a break. You had no idea what I was going through. I have always been a nice, good person and if you had had patience and not been so damned judgmental, you would have seen that. Instead, you and your bitch wife (who is far more standoffish than I have ever been) just assumed that I was a snob. You hardly paid any attention to me from the beginning. You hardly acknowledged me... even though I was to marry your brother and become part of your family. You have had no interest in getting to know me at all. You are a bully, you are condescending, and you are not as smart as you think you are.

People Frustrate Me

Posted on 2012.05.18 at 16:05
Brett has a "secret" Facebook and he did not befriend his own brothers. Hunter tries to contact him and he ignores him. Asshole. Enjoy your crazy bitch wife and her obnoxious family since you have obviously disowned your entire family. They are better off without you anyway, but I'm sorry for Hunter.

Ryan, Hunter's childhood friend, will not respond to Hunter either. For no apparent reason. He's just rude, I guess. So I unfriended him... because who needs someone like that.

Roth has not commented on, or even "like"d, a single picture of Adrienne since she's been born. Why not? Is his head too far up his own ass or is there some weird jealousy involved? Why do I even keep in contact with him? He's a good person but a shitty friend.

Cyndi continues to live a life in GA where she works nonstop and spends the rest of her time with no friends and nasty family.

I feel like calling people out, but I'm too much of a pussy, so this will have to do.


Posted on 2012.05.10 at 17:59
I thought for sure you'd be up for the possibility of moving to Pensacola in a few years, if we find a good engineering job there. You said you don't know... that you have jobs with the possibility of moving up where you are in Georgia. Really? You're a waitress. He's a cook. You can get those jobs anywhere. Are you planning on working at that country club for the rest of your life? There are country clubs everywhere. You said that WE should move to GA. You say this a lot. We are not going to move to GA. Why would we do that? It's a hot, over-industrialized hellhole with neither mountains nor ocean. And terrible driving/drivers. I thought you moved just for the sake of change, which I get. I thought you picked GA just because you have some family there. Your family has been nasty to you. They bitch you out when you come to visit in NC, and the one time you miss family dinner. They blow you off... including your own sister. Do you like being treated that way? So, if you don't have family there, what do you have? A job as a waitress? And Nate is only there because you said you'd go with or without him. I don't get it. You could come with us and still have change, have the BEACH, and have great friends. And you could get the same or better jobs. But fine... stay there. I don't know how you could possibly be enjoying yourself there. I feel like you're just being stubborn and trying to MAKE it work. Whatever.

Okay. Now that I've gotten some immaturity out of my system....

Proud of Myself

Posted on 2012.05.06 at 14:42
I've been working really hard to get my milk supply back up... pumping every 1.5-3 hours (which is above and beyond what the lactation consultant told me to do), drinking Mother's Milk tea 3 times a day, eating oatmeal almost every day, and most recently drinking a crap ton of water, trying to eat more, and having the suction on the pump at max (which hurts... but it's worth it for the milk). I read about this drug called Domperidone that increases your milk supply, too, but a doctor can't prescribe it in the U.S. I've heard that there are ways around that, though, so I'm going to ask one of the consultants about how I might obtain it. I'm wary about using drugs long-term, but apparently a miniscule amount gets into your milk-- so miniscule that they wouldn't expect to see any side effects in babies at all. And I still feel like it would be less harmful than formula. I don't judge mothers who use formula, but that doesn't mean that I want to use it. There is an overwhelming amount of pressure to breastfeed out there. There is so much literature about how harmful formula is to babies, and how superior breast milk is. It's really depressing, when you're struggling to provide breast milk. I can see why there are so many moms out there feeling depressed and guilty about using formula :-( Hell, I feel bad for even the 3 or so times Adrienne's had it. The first time, the hospital gave her some without our consent. Now I feel like they shouldn't have been able to do that without asking, first... but what's done is done. Some really hardcore pro-breastfeeding people say that even one serving can do irreversible danmage to a baby's gut, but I find it hard to believe that a couple of times would be too harmful if you feed breast milk the rest of the time for, say, 6 months. I still feel like I lack the motivation necessary to really try to get her back on the breast, though... the pump is so much easier and faster. I go back and forth about getting help with that. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to the birth and, knowing what I know now, try breastfeeding again. They should have told me that 1) having a yeast infection during the birth may cause you and baby to have thrush, so look out for that and 2) pumping exclusively can detrimentally affect your milk supply and 3) USE A NIPPLE SHIELD until you recover from injuries and your baby learns to properly latch. I do not understand why they don't have nipple shields on hand. So much of a mom having a lasting positive breastfeeding experience depends on her first experience with it in the hospital. If the staff sucks at doing its job, it can rob a mother and baby of something so important. I feel like this is what happened with me. Well, next time I will know better. This time, I will salvage what I can.

We qualified for WIC, and we just "bought" groceries and formula with most of this month's checks a couple of days ago. If I could avoid cracking open a single canister of formula, though, I would. That crap is good 'til she is a year and seven months old, anyway. I would really like to try to provide as much breast milk as possible until she is definitely 6 months old, and maybe even a year. We'll see. We have checks for almost $200 in formula for free, though... that's crazy. Hopefully we can use very little.


Posted on 2012.04.13 at 10:23
She's so squishy and warm and adorable, and smells like milk. It's like at 6 weeks old, she stopped being a newborn and became a little person (infant). She looks for/at you, smiles at you and "talks" to you, and it's awesome. I love the little squirt so much more every single day, and she's only 7.5 weeks old. I'm kind of concerned about what I'll do with all of that love in 1 year, 3 years, and for the rest of her life. Hopefully I can manage it and don't, like, squeeze her to death (just kidding). I guess there are worse things to be concerned about :-)

Life With a Baby Update

Posted on 2012.04.06 at 11:53
I was being hormonal, and adjusting to the change. The first few weeks of having a newborn (especially your first) are rough! You have to get used to waking up in the middle of the night. It's never pleasant, but you do get used to it. You can get used to anything. My biggest thing is that I want to get it done quickly so that we can all go back to sleep, so when the baby is taking forever to drink a bottle or Hunter is nodding off while he's supposed to be doing something, I get irritated. Recently, the 3 hour stretches of sleep she was allowing us at a time became 4-5!

Hunter and I are better now :-) We are going to the gym together regularly and being intimate again (and careful... no more babies for a few years). I am getting the ParaGard copper IUD put in later this month because I trust it more than condoms and condoms are no fun. There is too much temptation not to use them properly. I actually hate all forms of birth control. I don't want hormones pumped into my body. It's not natural, and I don't want to break out, gain weight, or be crazy and unhappy and have my relationship with my husband and daughter affected. And I cannot remember to take a pill every day. I don't like IUD's because the idea of having a foreign body inside of me for years doesn't sound ideal, either, and they do occasionally get dislodged and end up in your ABDOMINAL CAVITY. Barrier methods like condoms would be what I have the least problem with, but they aren't fun to use and there is too much risk (forgot to buy them or don't want to use them the full time, or they break). So unless we want lots of babies (which we don't), I guess I have to pick the least of the evils. It's so unfair on women. The ParaGard is supposed to hurt a bit to put in, but less if you've had a baby before. I plan to take 800 mg of ibuprofen before the appointment, too. It's also supposed to make your periods heavier and crampier for at least the first few months, but I still haven't had a period since the birth and am "breastfeeding" (pumping) and so may not for a while... so maybe I can avoid that. If not, I see lots of baths and ibuprofen in my future. But I will take the heavier periods over Mirena, which is a hormonal IUD. Hmm... with Mirena, you get the foreign body AND the hormones! Best of both worlds! No thanks. My mom has it, too... another reason not to get it. Shitty as my period is, I'd rather have it than have it suppressed. There is something about that that I just don't trust.

Adrienne is the best thing ever. I love her more every day. I think I'm a good mom. I try to laugh at the things she does a lot (even when she's being fussy) rather than take her too seriously and get upset. I have a lot of patience. I'm a perfectionist. I have a guilty conscience, so it's hard for me to leave her in the swing by herself for too long without feeling like I'm neglecting her and I end up picking her back up and holding her.

Daycare is going to kill me. It's not that I don't trust the people (although I trust myself more). It's just that, for one thing, there is no way the care will be AS GOOD as with her parents, because no one loves you the way your parents do. And even more than that... she's a baby, and she won't be able to comprehend why I am suddenly not with her so much :-( She'll cry, and someone else will come... not me. I don't want her to feel like I abandoned her or don't want to be around her, but there is no way to explain to her why I can't be around as much. Thinking about not being able to be there when she wants me breaks my heart. I'm glad that Hunter will be the one to drop her off there and not me, because I'll already be a wreck and if she were to cry, I know it would send me over the edge. Anyway, I guess I'll just have to try to take it one day at a time....

Lucas, Caitlyn, Cyndi and Nate should be visiting soon. All at about the same time. That'll be fun :-) I'm not gonna lie, though... I'm gonna be a little nervous about Justin (my almost 2 year old nephew) being around Adrienne. I'm so paranoid about her getting sick.


Posted on 2012.04.04 at 19:23
I still miss her, and the days of the two of us hanging out with the two of them. And I know they would have enjoyed the baby, too... which I can't say of every (or many) friends our age. Hunter's in school and back at work, too, so I spend a lot of time alone (with the exception of Adrienne) right now. I know that will change once my leave is up, and I don't look forward to that, but being home alone so much right now makes me think of her, nonetheless. More than anything, I just miss hanging out and doing nothing... having someone to do nothing with. I don't know why she's in Georgia. She isn't happy there. She's trying to make it work there. Her sister is a good person and she loves her, but I find her to be a bit of a bitch sometimes. She's pushy, and doesn't stand up for Cyndi when she should. And her cousins aren't very nice to her, either. She had it better here. Part of me hopes she'll move back, but I try not to pressure her because it won't do any good for her to move back unless it's 100 percent by her own choice, anyway. And I want for her whatever makes her happy. Just wish it'd make me happy, too :-)

I'm ready for Hunter to finish his engineering program. Then he can get a real job making real money, and we can move if we want. Don't necessarily plan to, but the option would be nice. And then I can get a part time job that I enjoy and can make crap money if I want, and it won't matter! And I can spend more time with Adrienne.

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